Month: June 2017

Jesus, Satan, and White Lights of Protection

I grew up in a very Jesus-y environment. Though my parents weren’t all that pious themselves, by any stretch of the imagination, church was life for several years. We lived in the country, surrounded by Baptists, and attended a tiny little country chapel approximately 5 times a week. There was Sunday School on Sunday mornings, regular church afterwards, Sunday night service, Wednesday night church, Youth Group on Fridays, and then a bible study or two thrown in at alternating member’s homes.

It never seemed like a bad thing at the time, it was just normal life as I knew it. I had friends there and we went to the occasional christian rock concert with musicians such as DC Talk, Third Day, and Jars of Clay. Meanwhile, back home, I was listening to the “worldly” music of No Doubt, Ace of Base, Stone Temple Pilots, and Van Morrison while dreaming of travelling the world one day.

Part of me never really believed all the church hype though. I remember thinking as a kid that how could a person go to hell just by being born into a different country and thus a different religion? How could I go to heaven just by virtue of being an American and asking Jesus “into my heart”? It never fully clicked.

The other part of me was being told to wear purity rings and promise never to have sex outside of marriage, obey my parents, don’t lie, and that the rapture is coming and I’d better be ready! This part would lie awake at night filled with fear and anxiety that if I accidentally thought something “impure” the all-seeing, all-powerful god would know, because of course, if he was inside my heart, then he was sure as hell inside my brain where the shit actually went down. This piece of me would recite prayers on repeat while lying in bed at night to prevent my mind from wandering into any kind of satan-ish territory. I had to guard against the evil forces because there was “an ongoing battle” for all the souls, especially those of the children, in this “spiritual warfare” taking place in a realm right next to us that we just couldn’t quite see. I’d even come up with little rituals to protect myself from being possessed by the devil himself. I was terrified of my own thoughts, actions, god, and the devil.

By the time I was 17 I had given up on religion and the church entirely, however, it’s taken quite a few years to realize how unhealthy of an environment it can really be when a child is submerged into a religion like that from a very young age. I’ll still catch myself lying in bed sometimes placing the white light of protection around our home…

Things I Do Everyday

On a typical day, not, say a vacation or camping or work/school day.

Take my Energy Gummies and my Women’s Gummy vitamins.


Skip breakfast and then eat breakfast foods at an inappropriate time such as 2:00 pm and/or 11:00 pm.


Scroll through Zillow looking at homes that I want to buy one day.

Spend way too much time on the desktop version of Google Earth.

Read articles, usually on Digg.

Wish Trump was not the president which then leads to stressing over healthcare, taxes, equality, climate change, and a whole host of other issues.

Internet spiral into one of the above issues and get sadder.

Budget my dollars on YNAB and check the reports section to feel proud of myself for saving like $10 this week.

Cuddle, snuggle, love on, my girls.

Wish Butternuts still loved me. He seems to have developed an irritation with me since I got back from Iceland. As in, he thinks I abandoned him and now wants nothing to do with me ever which makes me want to cry a little bit. Who am I kidding? A lot!! I miss my Butternut’s lovins!!

Tuck my children in bed with special sayings we have.

Brush my teeth.

Watch whatever random television happens to be on in the 30 minutes to an hour of “quiet time” I have before I am too sleepy to stay in a non-horizontal position.

Read. Current book, which I have already read twice (it’s been a few years!) is the book “Under the Banner of Heaven” by Jon Krakauer, my most favorite author.

Attempt sleep.




Things I Wish I Had-The Short List

The ability to sleep through anything, like some in my household that shall go unnamed.

Literally, if a dog farts, I wake up.


I was supposed to take a shower, do laundry, and go for a bike ride by this point in time today. None of those things have happened.

Probably because I don’t have the ability to sleep. Like ever.


All you guys with siblings don’t even know. But the grass is always greener…blah blah blah.

A sibling is a person that lived the same childhood as you. It’s someone that can relate to all the crazy shit you went through. It’s someone that is actually forced to love you!

Also, they could maybe bring me coffee and motivate me into doing something useful by making me feel super bad about myself in ways that only siblings can do.

Chicken Pad Thai.

Living in a town that has actual restaurants other than Applebees, Texas Roadhouse, and the like, is a privilege! Don’t take your tasty local food shops for granted! My lack of motivation has mind wandering in food directions.

My stomach is growling and I WANT PAD THAI!!!


It’s Not A Toomuh!

20170626_184302(Scratchy in his natural habitat. Bandaged tail hidden….because he’s shy.)

After slicing into poor lizard’s tail at the vet today, the doctor determined it’s not in fact an abscess, but a “fibrous tumor”. First of all, this veterinarian was about all of 5 feet tall, 70 years old at least, and had his entire nose taped to his face with what appeared to be scotch tape as well as masking tape. It was quite difficult to take him seriously after making eye contact. Scratchy only freaked out on him once before he was taken to a different room to drain the abscess that wasn’t an abscess after all.

Dr. McTapey came back in the room, informed me it was a tumor, and then suggested amputating his tail if it gets worse! I wanted so badly to say “it’s not a toomuh!!” in my best Schwarzenegger voice. But I digress…Mr. McTapersons said that the tumor likely isn’t causing any harm so we’ll probably hold off on that trillion dollar vet bill unless things get worse.

Did you guys know a lizard is an exotic pet? I did not. I also did not know when I purchased this guy for Caro 3 years ago that I would have to drive over an hour to have him treated for anything. It’s o.k. though, he’s part of the family and we try to take good care of our captive creatures. Obviously he’s happy to be back in his lizard cage and he just finished munching down on some meal worms, un-phased by his tumor or his bandaged tail.

Camp Time

I dropped Caro off at camp today. Well, not actually at camp, but at a parking lot filled with school buses that would take her to camp. She was so nervous last night and this morning. Nervous Caro is the equivalent of a person that just drank 47 cups of coffee followed by one of those 5 hour energy things. Super hyper, but also kinda sketched out by everything.

Example: We are waiting with all of the other parents/kids on the outskirts of the group and Caro is scanning the crowd saying “that looks like Heather, there goes Caydence, that’s Annie, there’s that one girl that I met that one time at gymnastics, oh hey! That’s fake Kadence!” (Fake Kadence is apparently how she keeps the many Kadences and Caydences separate in her 11 year old head.)

And then there’s me. “Go talk to them. Go say “hi” if you see someone you know.” “Uh Uh”,  she says while twirling her hair and moving her head back and forth so fast I wonder if she’s having a seizure. Not having it. She continues her search while biting her nails and pacing in place. Until….she sees someone that she actually really knows and then she runs off and forgets I ever existed. Thank god. I can’t imagine sending that child to camp without knowing anyone. She would have lost her damn mind.


Of course I cried the moment she got onto the bus and quickly fake waved at me from the window. She’ll be back in 5 days, exhausted, and with a whole new slew of names she’ll “know” at future gatherings.

Meanwhile, I have to take Scratchy the dragon to the vet. He seems to have a blister/abscess/tumor on his tail and I just cannot wait to load a feisty lizard into a cage for his first car trip an HOUR away along with my super sleepy Izzy that has not stopped complaining since she got home from her dad’s this morning. Let the fun times roll ya’ll!!